Last week I wrote about Emotional consent and why it is necessary to ask for consent before you vent. Today I want to further delve into the topic but from another perspective, the perspective of the listener.
We all have been in positions where our near and dear ones have opened up to us about their problems, their vulnerabilities, their fears and sometimes just vent about things within they cannot understand. And people only open up to people they are really comfortable with, people they trust.
But what really matters in such situations is the emotional capacity of the listener. Everyone has a bad day or two, even you can. Your friend might need you, but you need yourself first. If you aren’t in the right state to help your friend, let them know. Else, you might end up hurting two people, your friend and yourself.
Personally, I believe saying no is one of the most difficult and at the same time one of the most important skills in life. And when it comes to your loved ones, the stakes become much higher. But when it comes to emotions and mental health, you need to learn to be selfish.
I don’t mean that you need to completely abandon your friend when they are going through a crisis. Especially when you know that your friend’s conditions are extreme, even suicidal maybe.
What I mean to convey is that on days when you believe you don’t have the emotional capacity to handle your friend’s vent, let them know how you feel. At the end of the day, they are your friends and they will understand.
Here a few ways to say no to your friend and yet not make them feel abandoned when they come out venting to you:
- Let them know your emotional state
” I too am having a very bad day. Can I vent first?” This is one way where you can actually let them know how you are feeling and take their help as well. After all, friendships are supposed to be mutually benefiting - Pace the conversation
“I am super packed today, can we plan this call tomorrow?” Your friend will definitely understand your problems and also not feel abandoned. You can also plan a meeting in such cases because a human touch always helps. - Set some time limits
“I am free to talk for an hour after work, but I have a dinner at 8” Sometimes, setting time limits helps the other person to prioritise his concerns. - If a topic is too sensitive for you, let them know
“I don’t think I am far enough with my eating disorders to talk about your weight issues.” Sometimes, even friends tend to forget what are your trigger points and it is always okay to remind them. - If the problem seems repetitive, suggest introspection
“I feel the same issue keeps coming up over and over, and my advice is definitely not working. Maybe you can try journaling, or meditating?” Introspection is overlooked by most in such situations and sometimes you just need to spell it out. - Recommend professional help
“I love you but this issue is way out of my league to help. Maybe you should try talking to a therapist. I’ll help you find one” Seeking professional help is what most people dread and they need that push. Be that push. That’s the best thing you can do for your friend. Accompany them to their sessions if need be.
Key to saying no to your friends is to make them understand that you are not abandoning them, and that you care for them but you are yourself vulnerable and helpless. Remember, your friend comes to you because he is vulnerable and he trusts you. Just coming to your for help is itself a commendable effort on his part.
But also, in the world of givers and receivers, you are a giver. But there is a limit to how much a giver can give. Don’t empty yourself to the extent that you lose yourself. Be a little selfish.